Featured Fish –
UNICORN FISH
(yes, it’s an actual thing)
Hello you! Thanks for swinging by. Firstly, I just want to thank everyone that has tweeted, Facebooked and emailed me about yesterday’s post on Online Dating. You’ve all made me giggle.
Secondly, on to business. One special email I received this week was from a friend regarding yesterday’s post. It contained a response a friend of hers had received regarding her dating profile (yeah, a friend of a friend, rather convoluted, but stay with me).
I can’t really add much more than that – see it for yourself. I have rewritten it to try and make sense of it. You can see the original at the bottom if you’d like some kind of word jumble to decipher. It’s pretty long, but worth persevering. Oh, and it all gets a little bit sexual, so prepare yourself for some graphic imagery.
Translation / Re-imagination of this literary masterpiece
It’s difficult to interpret the actual intonation behind this with little guidance from effective punctuation, but I’ve had a go.
I am looking for a girl like you. Answer my message and make my day, month, year. And I was with the one with the pure, like milk, skin and the red bottle top lips. Angel skin angel, you should only drink waters and eat grapes. And she, yes she is the one like oyster coral, she opens her shell so I can feel her pearl. Her lips like colourful oysters, open so tongue can catch you girl. Yes me, yes I, like unicorn, and I am the one like unicorn, with my eyes to the ground and my horn to the sky, in line with the moon in order to feel the pull of you in sexual floods and tides. And with the power of my horn, I will pull me an oyster coral.
Mermaid from the sea lay with me, as you do not have feet, you have flaps and fins, and I will keep you wet, so your fins can breathe. Believe, my home is in heaven, a cloud in the sky. On the cloud is a present, a pleasant surprise, a necklace of constellation stars. Your stars are eternally glittering forever. My heart shows external passion, humid like the dessert. Come to me my angel fairy girl, like sea to river, so we can flow with the wind, on trips to finds star dust; a must. Your hair surfs in the wind in the field. As your hair drops like a rope hanging from heavens her abode [I can’t fathom that bit, sorry]. Your diamond earrings twinkle is the guide house to my yacht. See me not, as my horse has done me well. As we sail into the moon rise, on her back, I lay like mold. She swims, I hold on to main, though she slept on silver trays, on waves, brave.
Now the stars are at their brightest and your earring is at its most reflective. Now shine, shine angel girl, shine with the moon and stars. And if I was a horse, you are my hair, Jesus is my water and the Holy Spirit is my carrot. And God set me free, to swim through the acres, into the sun rise, till the stars are at their brightest. Then god puts me away, to lay on my hay, and that makes me cosy. The star light magically catches my rosary as it dangles away, sparkles for the angels, as I lay on my hay.
Shine bright at night diamond earring girl, who reflects light from heavens candles. And subtle stars I wish for you…………x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Doesn’t this feel like the kind of obscure ramblings you get in the Anthology you have to study for GCSE English? I wrote that the Anthology literature was all about sex in my GCSE English exam. In this case, I would have been right. Oh, and I got an A. Sex sells, people, though possibly not for this guy…
He’s doing pretty well up to the mention of carrots and mold. Though, the diamond earring business only seems to be brought up half way through, with no introduction. I thought he gave her a necklace?!
The Original (unedited)
i am looking for a girl like you answer my message an make my day month year……. an i was with the one with the pure like milk skin, an the red bottle top lips, angel skin angel, you should only drink waters and eat grapes . an she …yes she is the one like oyster coral, she opens her shell so i can feel her pearl, her lips like colorful oysters, open so tonue can catch you girl, yes me… yes i like unicorn, an i am the one like unicorn ,with my eyes to the ground, an my horn to the sky, inline with the moon inorder to feel the pull of your ina exual floods an tieds, an with the power of my horn, i wil pull me an oyster coral, mermaid from the sea, lay with me ,as you do not have feet ,you have flaps an fins , an i will keep you wet , so your fins can breath, belive,….. my home is inheaven , a cloud in the sky, on cloud is a present , a pleasent suprize , a necklace of constelation star, your stars are eternal gliterin for ever , my heart shows external passion humid like desset , come to me my angel fairy girl like sea to river, so we can flow with the wind , on trips to finds star dust a must,….. your hair surfs in the wind in the feild as your hair drops like a rope hanging from heavens her abode, your diamond earings twinkle is the guide house to my yaught , see me not, as my horse has done me well, as we sail into the moon rise, on her back i lay like mould, she swims i hold on to main, though see slept on silver trays on waves , brave , now the stars are at there brightest , an your earing is at its most reflextive , now shine shine angel girl shine with the with moon an stars, an if i was a horse , you are my hair , jesus is my water . an the holyspirit is my carrot an carrot, an god set me frre , to swim through , thee acrees , in to the sun rise, till the stars are at there brightess , then god puts me away , to lay on my hay, an that makes me cosy , the star light magically catchs my rosary, as it dangles away, sparkles for the angels , as i lay on my hay, shine bright at night diamond earring girl, who reflexs light from heavens candles, an suttle stars i wish for you ,…………x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
