I remember a girl I used to know (remember Esther?) who had drawn a picture of a man. On this sheet of paper, she’d written the physical traits he should have down one side and his personality traits down the other. She exchanged this with a friend who had done the same. Now, I thought the reason for this was so that when she fell for a man that so wildly differed from these traits, she could examine this effigy and realise that all her preconceived ideas were unfounded. But no, she had it so that she could remind herself if a man wasn’t right, wasn’t enough, she should bin him off. Last I heard, she was still single, but then maybe she feels she’s not compromising. That’s her decision.
Over the years my idea of the ideal man has changed drastically. I thought what I wanted was all rolled up in to what he did; his job, his interests, his musical tastes, the clothes he wore, but at this point in my life, I realised that what I want from a partner is a lot less tangible. It’s not about the job he does, it’s how he does it, it’s the way he behaviours, his attitude, his responses and most importantly, it’s how he makes me feel. It’s difficult to define and stipulate this through online dating profiles.
I also had a very specific physical model in mind. My friends could always pick out the men in bars that I would be most physically attracted to and to an extent, it’s still true.
But, the last person I fell really didn’t fit the mould. He didn’t wear a suit to work or play rugby. He didn’t look like my usual type. If I’d had a list, he wouldn’t have conformed to most of what I thought I wanted at 26 years old, but he was supportive, inspiring, fascinating and made me feel like almost anything was achievable. Those aren’t traits you can predefine, because they were specific to our relationship with each other. If he’d fascinated, inspired and supported everyone, it wouldn’t have been special and would have probably taken up a lot of time.
My point? I guess I’m probably too stupid to really know what it is that I want from a relationship until I find it and you could be too. Rather than wandering around trying to meet my match, I’d prefer to just be open to meeting new people. Killing off a good thing because of a couple of perceived flaws seems irrational too, unless you’re perfect yourself that is.
I’d love to know your thoughts on how your actual man differs from what you thought you wanted. Leave me a comment.